Navigating Love Abroad: Challenges and Solutions for Expat Couples in Paris

One of the greatest tragedies we can experience is reaching 80 years old, watching our spouse being lowered into the ground, and thinking, “My God, I didn’t even really know them.”

We spend so much time projecting our life movie onto our partner and reliving old battles that we miss the moment and fail to learn who they truly are. Theatre director Peter Brook once said that when someone enters a café, sits at a table with a friend, and says, “Hi,” an entire universe exists within that simple greeting. Like an onion, there are layers upon layers of history, thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, and connections. If we remain focused solely

on conflict resolution, problem-solving, and being right, we miss every one of them.

For expat couples, especially those from mixed cultural backgrounds, the reality of day-to-day life brings unique challenges. As a couples therapist with 29 years of experience in addiction treatment and international couples therapy in Paris, I’ve seen how these pressures can test even the strongest relationships. But I’ve also witnessed the incredible growth and deeper connection that can emerge when couples have the right tools.

I view couples through the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, an attachment-based model created by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson at The Couples Institute. In this article, we’ll explore the challenges expat couples face in Paris and discover how the roles of Initiator and Inquirer can transform conflict into connection.

The Unique Challenges of Expat and Mixed-Cultural Couples

Living as an expat comes with its own set of hurdles, and for couples, these can be even more pronounced. Here are some common challenges:

• Cultural Differences: Differing cultural norms and values can easily lead to misunderstandings. One partner may cherish long family meals and frequent contact with extended family, while the other values independence and personal space.

• Language Barriers: Even those fluent in French may struggle with subtle nuances in tone or cultural expectations, leading to communication hiccups.

• Isolation: Moving away from a support network can amplify feelings of loneliness and place immense pressure on the relationship to meet all emotional needs.

• Stress of Adapting: Navigating French bureaucracy, starting a new job, or even learning where to shop for groceries can leave little energy for nurturing the relationship.

• Parenting Conflicts: Couples with children may struggle with decisions on language use at home, blending cultural traditions, and differing parenting philosophies.

The Initiator-Inquirer Framework: A Path to Connection

One tool I find particularly helpful for expat couples is the Initiator- Inquirer dialogue. This framework fosters curiosity, mutual respect, and deeper understanding between partners. Here’s how it works:

The Initiator

The Initiator brings up one issue they wish to discuss with the goal

of self-discovery:

• Focus on One Issue

  • Before you begin, clarify your main concern.

  • Check your partner’s readiness.

  • Stay on track with this one issue.

  • Describe what you want or need.

  • Express Your Feelings and Thoughts

  • Feelings are complex; go beyond expressing just one emotion.

  • Look for the vulnerability beneath the initial feeling (e.g., sadness, fear, jealousy, hurt, anger, guilt, loneliness).

• Avoid Blaming, Accusing, or Name-Calling

  • Blaming stops you from knowing yourself.

  • Recognize your role in being heard.

  • You may acknowledge strengths or insights in the situation.

• Be Open to Self-Discovery

  • Explore your own inner experience.

  • Keep going deeper into your feelings.

  • Ask yourself: What does this tell me about myself?

  • How do I typically respond to this issue?

The Inquirer

The Inquirer listens and asks the Initiator more about their experience.

The goal is to learn more about their partner and understand them

on a deeper level:

• Listen Calmly

  • Avoid defending yourself, arguing, or cross-complaining.

  • Remind yourself that you don’t have to take what is said personally.

  • Ask Questions

  • Cultivate an attitude of curiosity and interest.

  • Ask questions to better understand your partner’s experience.

  • Let your partner know you understand if you relate.

    
    

• Empathize

  • Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

  • Respond with empathy.

  • Make empathic statements until a soothing moment occurs.

  • Hold onto yourself and remember you can tend to your own needs later.

• Recap

  • Repeat back what you understood as completely as possible.

  • Check in with your partner to confirm accuracy.

A Real-Life Example of the Initiator-Inquirer in Action

To illustrate this approach, here is a scenario (with details altered for

privacy):

I worked with a mother and her adult child. The daughter (Initiator) said, “I have felt abandoned by you my entire life.”

That statement could easily hit a mother hard, knocking the wind out of her. But in that moment, it was her job to self-soothe and think, Wow, that really hurts. But this moment is not about me. I can process my feelings later with a therapist or trusted friend. Right now, I have a

chance to get to know my daughter better.

Instead of saying, “You felt abandoned? I was in cancer treatment most of your childhood. Are you kidding me?”—which would escalate into a battle of being right—the mother reminded herself: This is how my daughter feels. It does not mean I am an abandoning mother.

From that space, she simply responded, “You felt abandoned? That sounds so painful. Tell me more about it.”

They then had an hour-long discussion using the Initiator-Inquirer model allowing the daughter to feel heard and understood. They did not switch roles, and the mother did not explain, defend, or deflect. Instead, they stayed with the exercise until the daughter felt truly heard.

Why This Works

The structure of the Initiator-Inquirer model allows couples to:

• Discuss differences without defensiveness.

• Build empathy and mutual understanding.

• Move away from blame and toward collaboration.

We cannot forgive and move forward until we feel truly heard and understood. Likewise, we cannot deeply connect until we intimately know the person we are connecting with.

By using this structured approach, expat couples in Paris can navigate cultural challenges, strengthen their bond, and build a relationship rooted in genuine connection.