Bridging Cultural & Family Differences in Relationships

By Colleen Kelly, LMFT – Couples Therapist, International Speaker, and Clinical Consultant

One of the deepest regrets I’ve ever heard in my office came from a man who said, “We were married for 42 years, and I’m not sure I ever really knew her.”

It’s easy to spend years talking at each other rather than with each other. We relive old fights, defend our perspectives, and try to fix problems—without ever getting to the root of what’s actually happening inside ourselves or our partner.

The real work of intimacy? Learning to stay present long enough to really understand each other, especially when you come from different worlds—different families, different cultures, different emotional languages.

This is where the Initiator-Inquirer model—and the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy—can radically shift the way couples engage.

When Backgrounds Collide: Common Sources of Conflict

Whether you’re navigating differences in:

• Culture or Religion (e.g., individualism vs. collectivism, ritual practices, emotional expression)

• Family of Origin (e.g., conflict avoidance vs. confrontation, closeness vs. independence)

• Parenting Styles (e.g., discipline, boundaries, education values)

…these differences don’t have to drive you apart. But if left unexamined, they will.

Couples often assume that conflict means something’s wrong with the relationship. But in truth, it usually just means you’ve hit the edge of your current emotional capacity. That’s where the growth begins.

A New Way to Talk: The Initiator-Inquirer Model

This dialogue structure slows down the conversation, so both partners can reflect, feel, and connect—instead of defend or win.

The Initiator

Your job is to look inward and bring one issue forward with the goal of self-discovery—not blame.

Your guidelines:

• Choose one issue. Avoid dragging in the past 12 arguments.

• Describe what you feel and what you need.

• Go deeper than surface emotions. What’s really there—hurt, loneliness, fear?

• Speak from vulnerability, not judgment.

• Ask yourself: What does this reaction say about me?

The Inquirer

Your job is to stay curious. You’re not here to defend yourself or fix it. You’re here to understand.

Your guidelines:

• Self-regulate. Stay calm. Don’t interrupt.

• Ask open-ended questions. Show real interest.

• Offer empathy without offering solutions.

• Reflect back what you heard and check for accuracy.

• Let your partner know: “I’m listening. I want to know you.”

Real Talk: An Example

In one session, an adult daughter told her mother:“I’ve felt abandoned by you most of my life.”

The mother’s instinct? Defend. Correct. Explain. But she didn’t. She stayed in her Inquirer role and responded,“That sounds so painful. Tell me more.”

That one shift opened the door to an hour-long, healing conversation they’d never had before.

Why This Works: The Developmental Model

Developed by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of The Couples Institute, the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy maps the stages every long-term relationship moves through—from fusion, to differentiation, to true emotional synergy.

Many couples get stuck in the Differentiation phase—where conflict arises because both partners are asserting their individuality. Instead of growing through it, they shut down, escalate, or try to eliminate the conflict altogether.

But with the right tools—like the Initiator-Inquirer process—couples learn to:

• Stay emotionally present through hard conversations

• Understand each other’s inner world

• Build empathy and trust

• Replace conflict avoidance with curiosity

• Feel more connected, even in disagreement

What If This Is the Work?

What if the very things you think are “problems”—your differences in religion, family values, or emotional wiring—aren’t the problem at all?

What if they’re the raw material for your transformation?

When couples learn to move toward each other, rather than react, defend, or withdraw—they create space for real intimacy. Not the fairytale kind. The earned kind.

If you’re tired of repeating the same fight—or if you feel more like roommates than partners—there’s a way back.

Let’s find it together.